Haus, Parsi, Specialk, and CLGJr LIVE BLOG the 2017 Oscars
You know the drill. Another year, another trip around the sun, and it’s all for THIS. We here at The Parsing Haus are doing it again, shined and primed for a long and robust jaw-aching feed at the swollen teat of decadent celebrity culture.
Join us on Sunday, February 26 for live coverage of the 2017 Academy Awards; bury your hungry snout in our trough of cinephiliac num-nums and popcorn and snark-dumplings and perfect little starfucker sundaes topped with delicious bon mots. It’s a feast. You’re welcome.
- Our live red carpet coverage starts ~2:30 pacific / ~5:30 eastern (TBA) (watch: ABC)
- Our live Oscar coverage starts 4:00 pacific / 7:00 eastern (TBA) (watch: ABC)
So tune in right here. It’s going to be choice.*
* – and don’t forget to refresh the page. On some browsers, the live blog software we use doesn’t auto-update. We’ll fix this someday, probably.
Thanks for tuning in, everyone. Back to our reviews for another year!
Ok kids, signing off. I’ll leave it to you two to close out.
So PWC screwed up.
Hs all around indeed.
Hs for everyone.
Thanks all! You made this memorable. FOR CERTAIN.
Peace love and the American Dream. May we all have two minutes of undeserved speeches in our future, followed by dramatic public disappointment.
The real crime is that Moonlight did not get to give their full speech.
Thanks for tuning in! Parsi, Haus, it’s been an honor to participate this year.
I am still shaking a bit. crazy.
Wow. Well kids. That was a way to end the show alright.
Steve Harvey can host next year.
Now that was intense. I have never imagined that.
I don’t even know anymore. WHAT!
Wow this is dramatic.
It’s literally their one job.
Wow this is a major development. I think it was arranged by Affleck to take the eyes off him.
They gave him the wrong envelope. JESUS.
Moonlight wins! OMG! WHAT!
Wow this is a grand f-up indeed.
WHAT WHAT WHAT
Woah what is THIS
WHAT JUST HAPPENED
Security dudes are confused, there was an envelope error.
Safe travels CLGJr!
Oh here it comes. If these guys all talk about dreaming I will be dismayed.
Aaaaaand, with that, peace out, y’all! This was a blast. Wish me luck on the redeye back to Boston by the Sea 👋🏼
This is for those who … get DACA
I am glad this won, let’s see more imaginative movies like this. Manchester can ride on its Affleck bubble.
and I don’t mean DREAMers.
This is a fine win. Moonlight is the real piece of art, but I’ll take it.
CLGJr that is an H, right?
Oh this will be a bunch of stuff about dreamers…
LA LA LA, stops the mumble hemorrhage.
TOGT: La La Land!
7/14. A gentleman’s D.
Here we go…
I think the lesson tonight is that if you are a Southie or Southie light and you can keep that accent, you can win an Oscar.
La La Land did really interesting things with movies.
I say La La Land for this one. Come on. Or Arrival for the quality upset.
Well 100% of Casey Affleck is pablum but he still won.
The first half of Lion was a triumph. The second? Pablum.
…and again in 2016. HAH.
HOHW was a great film but it’s two years too late. The world hates those folks now, they voted in 45.
The Hack Deuce and the Mumble blues.
Indeed. I have suffered.
Ok, here we go, BEST PICTURE, this is what you’ve been suffering through our commentary for!
Woah. Faye Dunaway looks exactly like Peter Weller’s RoboCop from the side.
And then escape very slowly.
NO WIRE HANGERS!
Faye, Warren, Mclain . . . both still look ten times better than bull scrotum.
Bonnie and Clyde rob a bingo hall on seniors night.
She was able to redeem some of Hollywoods chits, that were just lost at the Blackjack table of Casey Affleck’s vagrancy
Rainy Day Woman
Nice job Stone
Remember. Always remember.
She is important.
She is smart.
Someone got her with the glitter gun
She and I would be friends. No doubt.
Spence Stone, I am still in that boat.
She is kind.
Easy A(cademy Award)
You most certainly did not SUH (on the latter).
The I WON dress came true
Arizona girl in the house. You get some.
And it’s complete marrymeemma
CALLED IT AND BALLED IT
TOGT: Emma Stone
Leo the bear bears bears bare?
No no Parsi, remember, Leo can’t bear bears.
Everybody must get stoned.
Never forget: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifZPTR561Ik
BEST ACTRESS here we go. I say stone.
Leo memes would make America bearable again.
Negga looks like a Pez in that dress.
Batman’s kid brother. Academy Award winner Casey Affleck.
I miss the old Leo memes. Can we have those again?
Leo in the
Denz is whispering to himself. I brought a Pulitzer winning show to you America. This. This. This is what you want. A barely emotional mumbling sad face.
ACADEMY AWARD WINNER CASEY AFFLECK.
One cookie. One sparkling water. One ugly cry.
At least Haus doesn’t have to eat a bug. We all win.
Meh. Fat-leck won one too. Doesn’t mean a thing.
What’s you’re Oscar count, Parsi?
And in the further subtitled vader: CALL THE WHITE HELMETS!
*tries to do* Batman.
This is going to send Affleck 2.0 down a path to “serious acting” while his brother does Batman.
or in the words of Chinese dubbed Darth Vader: DO NOT WANT!!!!!!!!!!
TOGT: Casey Affleck
We didn’t land on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock landed on us!
Viggo was really good in Capt. F.
Also, gosling should always wear the jacket from Drive.
Denz should win, or Gosling eyes.
Gosling would be the upset here.
If Andrew Garfield wins this I will eat a bug.
21, Brie was certainly on point in that.
I’d love to see Denzel win this. I worry AFLAC will take it.
Um, Adrian Brody???
Brie got so slim. Remember 21 Jump Street!
Nick Cage…there will always be the Nick Cage win…to remind everyone that anything is possible. No talent or good judgment required.
Parsi, I am with you on that one.
SpecialK for the win. May you be merciful.
No, Google. I reject your cloying “your content is great too” message. Visit any blog to put the lie to that idea.
I hate this everyone is a content producer thing.
Well if Moonlight were to win now, it would be the biggest upset since . . . Spotlight last year.
Not younger than ME tho! Muahahaha I still have time!
I didn’t hate it. I thought La La was the film of the year, but narrowly. There was some good stuff this year.
I am sticking with my vote. LA LA LA will win. Moonlight should win.
I am on the LA LA LA train as well. The film everyone loves to hate.
Everyone is younger than I am. In four months my age will make me a protected class.
Chazelle kind of looks like one of the sand worms in Dune, but in a suit.
Haus, this kid is younger than we are. Not cool.
So, now there is a three way split of the predictor awards. This leans toward LA LA LA.
Also seriously guys he’s killing that outfit.
LA LA LA LA LA LA, I am in favor of this. I loved La La Land.
I really have to see Moonlight.
Barry wuz robbed y’all.
LA LA LA
Director. TOGT: Chazelle.
That is the vibe I am getting.
OK, director, here we go.
CLGJr and Parsi–may the odds ever be in your favor!
I’m not either, Parsi.
CLGJr I am not even sure if this is a UN reference or a Hunger Games joke.
Leo and Halle. Still Oscars royalty, getting the top presenter spots.
Rich people, just like real people, love free stuff. I am just waiting for the tshirt gun.
Why do the Oscar peeps think that food is the way to keep the HOME AUDIENCE interested? oscarssolame
thanks, you get the H, I will take the pass.
Finally someone who rehearsed a speech.
Hey, Parsi, if you’re keeping track . . . .
Putting it down for the ACLU!
CLG and Parsi are about to have a showdown about Manchester by the Sea.
If your keeping track…Moonlight …Man by the sad sea are going head to head.
Barry Jenkins is the real genius. So deserved.
A noble two pieces prize.
Perhaps a Nobel Peace Prize.
Get it, girl!
She should win an Oscar for that dress.
Amy is . . . present.
…and this is the speech version…
Damien won’t get Director. MARK MY WORDS.
This is the 90s American Music Awards
The film version of Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness.
Damian will sweep the important stuff. You wait and see. But yes, they’re dropping ludes on the audience.
Damien is gonna go home empty-handed. Just you watch.
OVER . . . RATED
Screenplay TOGT: Manchester
Get Out should win this next year.
Come on HoHW!
And we’re officially in the FOURTH HOUR.
HOHW is a great film.
The orchestra is now killing it.
Taller fatter less homeless Casey Afleck can speak.
The blue/black tux really is the uniform tonight.
Do the cream soda.
An All Am and a cream soda?
Next best thing to mean tweets.
I am loving this rip on We Bought a Zoo. What a terrible film.
Cameron Crowe is really the one getting dragged here.
Parsi we need you to hold down the fort up there. And live it up. Order a pizza already!
A cookie. Some sparkling water.
Train to Busan! Yep. You all knew it.
Hey Parsi, what did you snack on. We had a large pizza and every sort of snack here at our undisclosed location in Silicon Valley. And daiquiris, wines, and mexican cokes. And sweeties.
And the Oscar goes to….
I was la la laing while all the la la landed.
And the nominees are…Lights Out, Conjuring 2, Train to Busan, Shin Godzilla, Don’t Breathe, and The Witch.
CLGJr: “The Times was savage to her”
specialk: “Well, she is dead.”
CLGJr: “The New York Times”
I’d like to take a moment to acknowledge the nominees for best horror film of 2016 since I KNOW we will not see that category on our TVs tonight
I am surprised Rolex didn’t get Bond footage.
gets me every time.
Joni and her ice cream.
The only thing the Globes gets right is the awkward applause audio during inmemoriam
Parsi–wooed back to the computer by the coo of Joni Mitchell’s lyrics
Parsi has returned from the munchie trough.
ICE CREAM CASTLES!!! Do want! sadness do not want.
And Brad Pitt sighs audibly.
Aniston is missing her sunglasses. A normal took them.
Amen for supportive moms of boys in theater! Comment of the night.
This guy was in a total rush to speak and when he did he thanked the producers first
Dude was exactly right. Everyone fall asleep now please.
This was not the better of the songs in LLL. The other one was better.
Audition is WAY better.
TOGT: La La Land, City of Stars
specialk > Haus on the ScarJo savagery
She has glitter on her face for some reason.
Scarjo rocking the latest discarded Bieber hairdo
ScarJo looks like a lens cleaning brush. A lens cleaning brush I would use.
I’m not convinced; the buttons looked legit sartorialassessment
It was, Haus. But MICA LEVI.
Another regular shirt on tux combo.
Sloshed right now, but yes VERY well done.
This was legitimately good music. Good job, jittery dude who wrote it.
TOGT: La La Land
Jackie should win / La La will
La La Land for SURE on score.
Now he just needs some McD…
SLJ still thirsting for that dope-ass smoking jacket from Kingsman. And now he has it.
Do orchestra players dream of overlong speeches?
Cloying is the ad approach du jour. adcommentary
Cadillac. You know your product line is tepid when you need to spend a 30 second ad on a concept car. adcommentary
It’s so funny!
Nunes and OtherParsi are having their own liveblog down below!
George does need some new plaid shirts.
I wonder if Lucas will sue over this performance. I see Skywalkers.
Yeah she was really a better fit for the song. The voice is supposed to break.
Yes Emma did a good job on this. Wait for him to do “City of Stars”
I think Emma actually sang this one better?
Yeah he decided to be nice and not warm up for this one. And to actually play the piano live.
For anyone who saw the movie, here you see an actual singer singing this song. Though I feel like he’s bunging it up a bit on purpose just to be easy on Ryan.
Totes. And her makeup is killer. She knows she’s taking home the gold.
City of Stars was then butchered by me. –Ryan Gosling
Stone is in the “I win, right?” outfit
Mean Tweets and the kid are the big winners so far.
Maybe if they stopped air-dropping quaaludes on everyone these recipients would be more upbeat
Or Brad Pitt in a Conan the Barbarian wig
With a touch of LOTR-era Viggo.
Oh look, it’s Fabio crossed with Eric Bana
TOGT: La La La La
I think La La on this one. Arrival a good choice too.
Nom noms for cinematography.
Streep is wearing sweat pants under her dress.
What does a beer want to be remembered for? Not being watery adcommentary
Oh Mister BOND.
His voice. Like buttah.
I don’t see why the ushers keep looking at iPads in the wings. And then the host is like tweeting on the big screen. And people are using selfie sticks on the red carpet. No, people.
The Academy honored five digital cameras.
They honored the cameras themselves? therobotsarewinning
Perky bat ears here, Parsi. The bat has awakened.
John Cho for James Bond.
OK, some live tweeting to POTUS.
ok, this is the best thing he’s done all night.
Kristof is pulling off that neckbeard that was supposed to be a jawline one.
SpecialK is like a hawk.
His shirt has glitter on it. sartorialassessment
I bite my finger to assure that does not happen.
Parsi I do NOT want to hear a SINGLE Adele joke right now
Nah he got lost on his way to the bathroom.
She is on point.
Gibson stays seated. Bets?
Dang, a doc filmmaker looks more glamorous than half the actresses getit
I thought they would give it to Joe’s Violin
Oh I love her dress. Fantastic.
Finally the stormtroopers are recognized for their work.
Just, missed, I think it was a close call but White Helmets would have been my should
TOGT: White Helmets.
Parsi what’s your pick?
Last two decades? She has aged ten minutes and Guy Pierce has aged forty years.
“Ooooh, helloooo” – Haus
This is the La La Land of Walmart commercials.
proof that Seth smokes more dope that the rest of the US combined.
Can that kid host the rest of the show?
This kid wins the Oscars.
He knows nothing but domination.
Haus, specialk, and CLGJr just guffawed in unison: “YES!”
This kid dominates.
Mel just gave the 45 raised fist salute greatminds
Haus will Hack his Ridge if this film wins anymore.
Dude is rocking a regular shirt.
That’s more than Wa Wa Land.
The worst part of this is that people will now think Hacksaw Ridge is good.
just bloating that scrotum.
Hacksaw Ridge has TWO OSCARS, y’all.
double hacked. UGH!
HACK SAW A FILM ONCE
TOGT: Hacksaw Ridge.
I would do La La for this one, TBH.
Parsi if you think Haus holds back any of those opinions from me any more than I hold back my thoughts about The Rock, Ryan Gosling, Tom Hardy, Clive Owen, Vince Vaughn, Denzel Washington, Gerard Butler…sorry, what were we talking about?
MJ isn’t getting any taller.
LOL Tilda Swinton. Seth Rogen with the comment of the night. truthitup
And what if your mom tried to get in those Calvins?
Haus with the PRESCIENT QUOTE!
Live action Cars will be interesting.
Please god no. THIS is what’s killing my childhood.
The truth must out, Parsi.
….and greenlight more live action Disney remakes.
SpecialK, I am sorry for all that you are learning about Haus tonight. We tried to keep this from you.
I pick Dr. Strange here.
I think so. I liked her in the Hawking movie.
Actors from the movie people wish would win best picture.
Are you a fan, Haus?
HD Cinema Paradiso for the win.
Why are we getting subtitles for the English contributions?
This is a message that we should be inclusive tonight. In case you didn’t get it. decodingthemystery
The Big Lebowksi is like xanax truth
Modern Times, good selection!
People from around the world love American movies!
Yes, and that’s how they’ll get Casey Affleck into the show again.
I think they call it poverty porn.
Hs, nah, too much for for the Haus.
“Next year, we will take some stars to surprise a bunch of people at the end of their rope at a homeless shelter! What fun! Look how large the class gap is in this country! Haha…now back to the awards…”
We only know Hs around here, bruh.
Andrew is making moves on my kid brother.
Meh. It was fine. Sort of fun. I give it a pass. You guys know about those.
If the point was to make ordinary people feel in touch with this show, I will posit that it failed. youareanexhibit thestarswillseeyounow keepmoving cellphonesout
Somehow I didn’t think that anything could be worse than Ellen’s
enormous selfie pizza delivery. We just saw it.
They might as well have thrown them up on stage and told them they have to do a dance number
This was a strange interlude.
Meryl is living it up.
The stars have to be on best behavior here which makes this very strange
Someone please tell this poor man that the people in the seats are REGULAR PEOPLE, not royalty.
oh Pete, good ole Pete.
This is quite uncomfortable tbh
Denz marriage and Gosling kiss. she is living my dream.
“That man right there” nailedit
The average joe needs to ditch the cell phone in a major way.
Gosling, those eyes. That kiss.
If you wanted to do this right, pick some and have them get dressed up and actually enjoy the night instead of being paraded out like a spectacle.
SO UNCOMFORTABLE rn. They were hoping for a Ken Bone, and they’re just getting squirms.
This is like an exhibit called “human life” on an alien ship.
I really don’t like this.
Stunts like these are why 45 got elected.
This surprise is not going to be very interesting.
Indeed, we know why they design sets.
I’m grateful that these guys didn’t handle the writing.
Jamie Dornan looks like he works at a car wash.
Sorry Haus the 0-fer is over.
Now at least we know which song clip we’re going to be hearing for the next hour.
Damien just put away the inhaler. Phew!
La La La, so it goes.
TOGT: La La Land
If only she could find something else to cover up what she used to cover herself..
The chemistry between these two is flickering.
That dress is on point.
Dakota, covering it up for once.
Fifty shades of don’t look now.
And the 90s jazz…
Shout out to the subtle zoot suit throwback
Those antlers don’t lie.
Perhaps they should hold a private screening for 45?
Anything that turns Shakira into a gazelle is okay by me.
Zootopia wins the Pixar-Disney Disney-Pixar fight.
TOGT Zootopia. Nice!
I like Zootopia for this.
Y Tu Political Interlude También
That opening took a turn fast…
SOUTH AMERICAN SATAN.
This presenter looks like Jim from American Pie possessed with the voice of Satan.
Also, everyone in the viewing audience is applauding this film based upon its cute clip.
Disney-Pixar, still got it.
La La Land with the goose egg again!
Hollywood’s next amusement act: Regular people!
Bittersweet Symphony = TFW Jimmy is played back on stage
a scarfing scarf world.
The other truth . . . is that it is true.
We are all just human beings. Next time someone drops a scarf, pick it up for them. This will heal the world. adcommentary
The truth is . . . that ad was a little sanctimonious, Old Grey Lady adcommentary
Cadillac is all about the throwback tonight. Every vehicle featured in this ad can be had for four figures. Except the new one. You’ll have to wait a year and a half for that one.
Take my breath away, after the best foreign film win, I can honestly say that was the first correct song choice of the night.
Supporting role of the evening–the black box holding up Sting’s foot.
Throwback win of the night CLGJr!
Why isn’t Clint Eastwood on the stage with him?
Finally. I want more speeches like that.
They dare not music her
Hell no, Haus. Unless Spice-dawg has the switch.
I hope 45’s heart fails during this.
Will she be musicked?
YES! YES! YES! Bring on the tweets, 45.
CLGJr Called it!
TOGT: The Salesman!!!!
Also, wearing the tears of her enemies.
Some films were stopped at the border and can only be viewed from “detention.”
McClain, pantsuit! killing it.
That kiss in the trailer with Vin is something special.
Theron, she better get this out while she can, her career is over after Fate of the Furious.
“On my seventeenth birthday I was eating German pickles.” Charlize, I know what you’re trying to say.
See? Denzel doesn’t even have to talk and I laugh.
Denzel just did the Bort.
Zack Quinto has read the book “I shall distance myself somewhat from Spock by trying a beard.” It was previously enjoyed by Leonard Nimoy with limited success.
Was Zachary Quinto even alive in 1984?
“The kind of love that makes people cross oceans.” Okay. “The kind of love that makes people have babies.” That one’s not so exceptional really.
The idea isn’t to show something representative of what YOU would buy, Haus.
My ad would take place in a college dorm.
Walmart’s receipt is not representative. Here is what I would put on my Walmart receipt for this ad. Four 2L bottles of Coca Cola Classic. Suave shampoo. Sunless tanner. Jumper cables. Cheetos.
Walmart adds, telling the truth too. Walmart, creating apocalyptic nightmares.
Viola is just truthing.
Viola will never get musicked off.
Viola is having a hard time up here it seems.
“I became a lawyer because we are the only profession that takes away my life and the lives of others.”
“I became an artist because we are the only profession that celebrates what it means to live a life.” Not bad, coulda been better.
Viola is AMPED.
Yay! Viola! SPEECH SPEECH!
Casey Aflleck sad face, fooling America in 2016.
PS if only Spencer would win, maybe we could get a glimpse at her dress.
Constitutional knowledge: Oscar presenters = 5, 45 = -13
He is the one who presents.
Opposition. No Hate!
Uh oh here we go..First Amendment talk??
Viola’s gonna bring it. No question.
Walter White’s cousin presenting.
Master Caster runs Cartertown!
His boxmates make so much more sense now.
Master Caster, maaaaan.
Jackie and a panda. Next film.
I think that was a part of his leg he was eating.
I literally RAN to my seat for this.
Pics aren’t posting well. Terrible!
Is Mel eating Twizzlers?? He’s such a twisted kid at heart.
All I have is Kimmel, which is worse than nothing.
I have no pizza, nor do I have a picture. I am sad now.
Conveniently, Haus has left to pick up the pizza.
I’ll let specialK do that.
can you draw me a picture?
clip on bow tie at the Oscar, bold choice.
Mel would be frothing, but he’s got serious cottonmouth. You know why.
Gibson doesn’t look any less like a filthy doll rolled in foundation.
“…and to my facial hair…for hanging in there…”
they thank the scrotum? Boo.
Hacksaw ridge? Come on. Also known as make a mix tape of Saving Private Ryan’s battle sounds and play them for three hours while Mel Gibson tells me Andrew Garfield is Jesus.
alright, it is over, the Hack wins, America has lost.
“The Oscar-winning ‘Hacksaw Ridge'” 🤢🤢🤢
I was worried they were done. But, they came back. Mercifully.
Enjoying the Kingsman throwback here.
About the brows?
I was worried.
The brows are back!
Heptapod came out of the death cycle.
La La Land —> still Nada Land
TOGT: Arrival. La La is being swept into the background.
These all seem like good options.
CLGJr – so much truth, it hurts.
Blades-for-feet! And the guy with masterfully-cut abs. A coincidence? I think not.
Chris Evans + Chris Pine = the new Bill Paxton + Bill Pullman
Although has nobody heard of American-sized servings?
Mid-show snacks, brought to you by the UN.
Yeah Haus, where is my All-Am?
Could they have had a close up of bull scrotum during that speech?
Yes, where’s that pizza, Haus??
I am on the edge of my seat. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP! LITERALLY, PRESIDENT!
…in a Titanic-themed spray of sparkles!
If her earrings touch her necklace the world will explode.
Parsi has Adele-iberate distaste for that singer. It’s all Biel all the time for him.
Film, the anti-45.
She must be so proud.
Adele won a junior Oscar? Good for her.
Parsi, Adele won an Oscar! EGOT, here she comes.
Th Hassle and antisemitic bull scrotum are in a real life Face-off.
FACE/OFF, Opus Dei edition.
specialK, I will pray for you. You were one of the good ones.
This AT&T ad makes me want to devote the rest of my life to watching 80s movies.
Hasselhoff goes to the same face replacement people Gibson does.
Is Big Bird even culturally relevant anymore?
Haus, I think you mean the VFW #413?
Coming up, a performance by Sting! Wait, is this the Oscars or the Carnival Princess?
Parsi, you’re right. He sniffed out the Mexican blood in me. It’s over.
SpecialK, that knock on the door is Kanye, he is coming to take your citizenship.
Haus with the first killer pun o’ the night
Don’t Moan-a if you don’t win, guys.
Ok I’m gonna say it—I’m over Hamilton. And Miranda–am I going to be struck by lightning? Is this going to invite a Beyhive-like wrath?
PS if you haven’t watched Moana. You are not very smart.
I didn’t see Moana. But I hear from a Savage He-Dog that it’s the film to see. rockclock
Can they just give Lin all the Oscars now?
The Rock and LMM: national trezhures.
But, Rock killed Legend’s bat, so he has got that going for him.
Rock, you can do no wrong.
Haus, did your rock make an appearance as well?
Were they ever WITH you?
Prison joke. Not killing.
I don’t want any more Kimmel.
He is giving the speech Ali, should have given.
“I wanna thank all the fish that gave their scales for my colleague’s mermaid dress.”
OJ: Made in America. A literal eight hour long movie.
TOGT: OJ. Not even a real “movie”
This is a great set of nominees.
Taraji needs to move. She’s got some unintentional cat ears.
them brows though.
I caught some Sofia brow, hold on a moment.
“I Am Not Your Negro” should win. OJ will in a very ironic turn.
specialK you may be right.
A teenage girl from 1988?
Is there a jukebox that anyone can feed a quarter?
Who is making these music choices?
TheOtherParsi is killing it.
Each add for the Goldbergs makes me want to watch that show less, I am not sure how they can continue to get worse when my desire was already negative.
TheOtherParsi: It’s a thankless job, but someone’s gotta eat all this pizza.
Rolex is calling in all that product placement. Avengers ASSEMBLE!
Rolex: The Horror!
Do people still wear watches?
Cadillac with the anti-45.
Hidden Figures. Also the label on Octavia’s dress.
MIP music, bold bold choice.
Under. Under 2.
Sting, he is magic.
La la over or under 9?
The look on Colin Farrell’s face must be the same on Damien C’s
Will it be a night of upsets??
Beasts deny the La La Sweep!!
The Sweep is DENIED.
I call Jackie on this one ALTHOUGH they’re just picked from the actual photos.
Man, Adele is walking people off stage. How quickly she fell.
Of all the stuff on offer, immigrants tonight got a wall, a canceled visa, and … SUICIDE SQUAD.
PRO IMMIGRANT! take it all back.
did he steal those glasses from the Optometrist?
“This manorexic juggalo,” Honest Trailers re: Leto’s Joker.
Ok I do love this speech.
Suicide Squad, that film should be denied an Oscar for being butchered in the cutting room.
From now on we have to say “The Oscar-winning film ‘Suicide Squad'”
Jeez, was that guy a character in the film??
TOGT: SUICIDE SQUAD. Every male on the academy clicked the “MARGOT ROBBIE” button.
Ewwwwwww Suicide Squad!
“That’s not it.” Nice Bateman
Bateman was my costar in the Kingdom.
Uh oh, just when I left the room…
Why did they walk out to the theme from St. Elmo’s Fire??
Kimmel doing the current affairs joke. CNN, exeunt.
He shoulda asked Jeff about his squarespace bowl
Kimmel has returned.
Um, Samsung, millennials make movies for attention and that youtube money.
More toned down than I expected. I wanted him unleashed. It’s ok, I’m glad he won.
Personal, Ali, DISAPPOINTED.
OtherParsi: Yes, that’s how you do it. comments
Wait for it, Haus
Ali is also great in Luke Cage.
I have a feeling Ali will just make this about himself and his craft. We will see.
Thanking teachers and profs first = ✔️
Please bring it Ali. Bring it.
ALI with the win. I hope there are no ICE agents in the audience.
Big surprise, here comes the sweep.
YASSSS, Remy killed it.
Michael Shannon was good also. I would support that. I do think it’ll go to Ali and Moonlight though.
That is what Man by the Sea handed out to get a nod.
Jeff Bridges all the way. He was excellent in this.
She does look a little overdone with the ultratviolet rays, Haus, no?
Vikander just says no to makeup and hair.
Have you seen the Waltz spinning ukulele film? do yourself a favor.
Nah Parsi, he’s cloaked in the hides of immigrants.
Ali, Ali, Ali.
I am certain antisemitic bull scrotum is wearing Ivanka.
No tweets yet. Sad!
20 Oscar nominations almost equal to the number of bankruptcies for 45.
Worst seat at the Oscars? Right behind Halle Berry.
I’m glad I got the idea before CLGJr turned to visual demonstrations.
He has a nice plump lady with him.
Viggo looks like Ed Harris tonight.
Captain Fantastic, awwww. My first time.
I was uncomfortable, and I am 2k miles away.
Spiderman went on a diet.
Loose definition of “horror” but I’ll take it.
Elle is the first horror film to get a nomination.
Parsi, I just had to explain that to specialK. It was uncomfortable.
Moonlight handjob joke.
If only he did. Maybe we wouldn’t have to hear these jokes.
Jeff Bezos could buy this entire room.
i do like the Great Wall joke readmareview
proving again, walls, never work.
80 million dollars…. SO FAR.
No, a douche provides a service.
Sarah Silverman dodged a BULLET.
This is not the guy who ruffled Trump’s hairdo. At least not the one on his head.
Mel looks like a leather handbag, with nothing in the pockets.
Kimmel is such a douche.
This is the guy who ruffled Trump’s hairdo.
When does 45 put up his first tweet?
Millions of Americans?? Only FOUR matter tonight.
Kimmel losing the bat wars, but winning the velvet vest wars.
Zing Haus. Dead on.
The Oscars tonight will be hosted by Jimmy Kimmel and crickets.
Literally with one well-timed high kick.
Sting went tantirc too long and his hairline suffered.
Was that Jackie Chan presiding over his kingdom?
Jackie Chan is gonna kill someone from the rafters.
Sting dancing like every suburban dad who still streams his songs.
Biel! Biel appeal!
WELCOME TO THE OSCARS! Haus, SpecialK, and CLGJr are live blogging in an UNDISCLOSED SILICON VALLEY LOCATION. Parsi is joining from The City at the End of the World. We’ll be here with you all night.
Kidman, gave her rhythm to the devil to get skin the color of paper.
Just make Justin the host.
I want the Hassle to present pant less.
I would like Hasselhoff to present every award in double denim.
SpecialK with the win.
Please let Kimmel come out in a Canadian tux.
At this point you’ll definitely be alone with both your Stones.
Parsi getting rull savage
But, the truth, is the truth.
Parsi, it’ll be great until Biel photobombs. You’ll be like a retriever chasing a stick and I’ll be alone with both Stones. Actually, I agree.
Opening with the music of Troll. A movie that involved a Troll queeffing glitter.
UM PARSI I’m RIGHT HERE.
Oh I really hope someone falls. I mean I hope nobody falls…
I love this song!
Don’t worry Haus we can go on a Stone double date.
He borrowed his teeth, so yes.
Her gold shoulder flowers got caught up in it. They were loosened just in time.
Did Michael Strahan study at the Michael Tyson School of Diction?
They dragged her through his tooth-gap to wake up.
Okay. Buckle up folks, here come the Oscars.
They had to send Strahan up to make sure Roberts was awake.
Haus is a Spencer man. so it goes.
Bro Stone looks like sis Emma.
Parsi continues twitching in the corner. Biel! Biel!
I was blinded by the beauty.
BIEL STONE! IT IS HAPPENING.
incabomb. Biel the Sun God just crashed that interview
Everyone loses that battle.
“It’s good to see yooooou!” – tfw you just wanna go sit down and not be asked inane questions
Goodwin vs Negga – the battle of the red Victorian dresses.
Yes, nominating an antisemitic bull scrotum is a win. ,
He’s got those Winona eyes goin’ on.
Mel Gibson looks like someone dipped a GI Joe into clarified butter and pancake makeup.
Mel is SAUCED.
Good review, overrated movie.
Robin is increasingly spacing out. I think she’s hit a wall.
SiblingHaus commentary: “Jamie Dornan is doing everything stylistically possible to distance himself from “50 Shades Darker”, even if it means avoiding his tailor and mis-using his ConAir clippers.“
watch it, parsi. and read my damn review. it’s GOOD. (the movie, that is.)
Man by the Sea. I had water works at the end, because I sat through the whole things.
alas, no, I earned that, by showing up.
Parsi, did she get you that starring role in The Kingdom?
specialK, she hasn’t gotten over the final scene from Manchester. Water. Works.
Biz, is there to hold her hands. a shoulder to cry on.
I have known her since high school.
Michelle Williams looks like she’s on the verge of tears.
Super genuine. Even despite the receipt paper roll dress.
call the cops, the carpet is red with the blood of her enemies.
Harris. Killing. It.
More like BAE-watch.
SiblingHaus commentary: “Nothing could be as UN-jazz as Gosling’s understated Liberace. verycanadian ounceofflounce bacciliberace“
Legend’s bat is crying.
Can we just leave this camera on them. Just for a few minutes. Thanks. Hello Dwayne. Let’s chat.
The Rock conquered a bigger bat.
The Rock is in the house.
Denz can show up 15 minutes after the Oscars start and he would still be early.
Dakota looks like some surveillance statue the CIA stashed in Trump’s hotel room
Denzel could say literally anything and I’ll laugh.
she was a gluten free vegan, she almost died. that is true.
Denzel’s wife chose a morning bun ‘do. Bold, but it works.
Zooey is so 2005
Is Zooey Deschanel the apotheosis of the mpdgirl?
Guy Pierce looks ancient AF.
CLG, they exist only in Manic Dream Girls.
I put a Biel Stone on it.
Excuse me, Haus. The Pixies exist outside of “Fight Club” doolittle
Parsi’s love of Jessica Biel has left him twitching in a corner and uttering only her surname. Usually this doesn’t happen at least until Best Editing.
Virtual Reality doesn’t need the Fight Club soundtrack to be in. adcommentary
Because she wore my eyes
best dress so far? i vote K-Dunst.
Naomie Harris’s dress just came out of the fax machine.
his bow tie is scared of Legend’s bow tie.
Parsi, it was an honor just to be nominated. And then shaved.
Harvard boyz are the worst at humblebrags, amirite Haus and specialK??
the real loser is facial hair on men
Chazelle – I will say I am nervous, to pretend I dont know I am going to win 9 or more Oscars
Chazelle’s bow tie just gave me WHIPLASH.
I thought men had facial hair more substantial than a 13 yo boy.
Oh I like this dude’s outfit. Sharp.
If Theron wears those giant earrings all night, she’ll have Warren Buffett earlobes before Best Director.
Charlize is ageless, maybe the stones in those earnings reverse the aging process.
I dig Theron’s Max Headroom hairdo, but less so the dress.
Theron–wearing a prom dress from 1996. Like a boss.
Nicole Kidman borrowed her colorway from a mid-90s tower computer.
Biel is a golden tree.
neutralish beige–the color of mothers
Kidman says “sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.” Translation: “Sometimes you marry Tom Cruise, and sometimes you don’t.”
Haus, you forgot the studio. Never forget the studio in your citation.
Nicole Kidman, her hair, and her dress are all the same color.
Keith Urban has rocked the Kate Goselin longer than its namesake goodonyamate
Parsi is gunning for the System of Legal Citation to win most dramatic cameo. See, e.g., “Get Out” (2017).
Mel Gibson looks like an animated Mdme Toussaud’s reject specimen.
Also, can we talk about the Bluebook winning best supporting actor for Get Out?
Meryl Streep has Secret Service protection tonight. As in, protection from Trump’s actual Secret Service.
Does Mel know where he is?
Brie Larson is too hipster to be mainstream and that is why she is hipster.
Brie Larson can truly do no wrong.
Brie Larson. She is the common woman’s common woman.
Haus: KATE MACKINNON
Who’s more relatable? JLaw, Emma Stone, or Brie Larson?
JLaw has taken the fight to Snow. It’s a whiteout.
I would watch it thrice in the theater and but the 4K Bluray.
Is this the first Oscars where J-Law isn’t the main topic of conversation? I guess we haven’t seen her fall yet this year.
I would watch a movie of Gosling and Stone eat scones with goslings.
Emma Stone. Nothing More, just Emma. More Emma. Less everything else.
Kidman she wears the tears of Hillary voters.
Affleck blames derelicte on work. On Monday, I will bathe in sewage and try the same.
I was sad it didn’t end after he killed his family.
“Most interesting, smartest, funniest people living there.” Awww, thanks for mentioning me, Casey!
everyone said, it just gets sadder.
I think he’s doing the Alicia Keys “no makeup” movement. But he’s taking it to the next level. nogrooming
Affleck looks like a literal bum.
also Man by the Sea – so so so so so overrated.
Casey Affleck lost his home
“there’s a man, in back of this place. He’s the one who’s doing it.”
the ruffles are trying to tame the bat
and those ruffles.
Bold ruffles, Ryan.
As does his scruff.
KATE MCKINNON: PRESENTER. 2017 is a great time to be alive. I disavow all previous comments.
SHE’S PRESENTING! I CALLED IT!
His eyes deserve an Oscar.
How is Gosling so dreamy?
SpecialK literally gasped when Gosling came on screen. Clearly forgot his singing.
Shhh. No one is supposed to know.
Parsi are you the real Arnold? imisswestworld
SiblingHaus contribution: “Dakota Johnson came as an ornament from Trump’s ensuite. 89thoscarscostumeparty“
Welcome back, Parsi. We knew a robot slam would get you.
Robot hate is unacceptable. Will no one stand up for the Robots?
Karlie Kloss is a posehard of epic proportions tonight. Hogging RC ground zero with a SELFIE STICK. 2017 is a bad time to be alive.
What robot gave its eye for that god awful selfie stick?
Karlie Kloss needs to stop with the selfie stick stat.
The EIC of People is talking about RIP Paxton. But tone-wise, it’s like he’s slightly wistful that the honey mustard ran out at the golf club
Boomerang videos are so millennial. Good job, Jess Cagle!
Woah who is in the Mardi Gras suit in the background
Strahan is the creature from the Velvet Folds.
MJ Fox! Uh hey doc… Are you telling me… we’re going to build a time machine… out of a DELOREAN?
Notice how they just glided over “The Shack.” That movie’s gonna break records for unalloyed nonsense.
Lul we need more SiblingHaus
SiblingHaus slam: “Casey Affleck stylist this evening, and every evening : https://careergear.org/ – A suit, a second chance”
SiblingHaus comment: “Emma Stone looks good as the Fantasia Broom.”
Does anyone know what Octavia Spencer is wearing tonight? I haven’t seen it yet.
“Active Naturals”? That doesn’t sound like shampoo. adcommentary
specialK: modified baby crown
Necklace, choker, or metal wreath?
Ms. Monae’s eyebrows are on some serious fleek.
Lin Manuel Miranda is on the EGOT warpath.
Hulk Haus say: You wouldn’t like me when I’m Vikangry.
She is literally ageless.
Halle Berry can even pull off the Bride of Frankenstein look.
Speaking of battles–the war of the gold sheaths! Biel vs Roberts
Oh yeah??? Haus, wanna cash me ousside, bro? HOW BOUT DAH?
CLGJr I think you’re only still alive right now bc Haus is away from his computer. I expect a battle over Vikander shortly.
Alicia Vikander = goddess 💯
Laughing so hard now because I JUST noticed why Haus was chuckling to himself. laughingatyourownjokes
Snickers CRISPR. It edits your DNA while you snack. sciencejoke
Yum, get me one, Parsi 🍔🍔🍔
Any bets where Parsi is? My money is on the drive thru, snagging a McKinley mac.
Huppert: It’s hard to explain who your character is in two minutes, sure, but even harder if you take a minute of the two in a verbal MC Escher stairwell.
Presenters are playing hot potato with the hot mic
Sting get OUT OF HERE, where is VINCE
OMG VINCE VAUGHN
So many zings.
I’m on the *edge* of my seat to see if Sting wins.
Sting wrote a song called “the empty chair.” He was inspired when he gazed upon the audience at his latest show.
John Cho looks like the valet just backed his hybrid into the lagoon.
Harold gets to present? No Kumar? Sad!
OMG KATE MCKINNNONNNNNN. Probably not, unforts.
Hey Haus, is KATE MCKINNON presenting tonight? I wanna see you squeal.
You know who’s edgy? Chrissy Tiegen! This is commentary, people. Let’s talk about the deep-V plunge and her handsome arm candy. Women, this is your time. oscarssowoke
Chrissy Tiegen and John Legend: surfbort
How much did Chrissy T. pay these people for air time tonight?
Haus with the DEEP CUT.
Wow. Casey Affleck looks like the guy behind Winkie’s in Mulholland Drive
Hedges gave all his hair to Casey’s face. Good nephew.
I’m surprised we can even see Lucas Hedges, given all the Hidden Fences in play tonight.
CHIRONs! One of them should’ve been nominated.
Teresa Palmer…Haus, cover your eyes.
Matthew Damon: Trying to keep people distracted from that dumpster fire known as The Great Wall.
GET IT Sunny!
How many times with Dev run his hands through that hurr tonight? A million. A million.
I can imagine the film without Patel. It’s called spend two hours on Google Earth and look at a photo of Kidman.
I love him. talldarkandhandsome
I ain’t got not haribo. The only thing gummy up in here is me bon mots. They stick to IT ALL.
Dream Big and visit California, people. Also, people need to stop saying “walla” for “voila.” That’s not the pronunciation anywhere, ever. adcommentary
Hey Haus, you got any Haribo in here? I could use some Twin 🍒 rn.
Yeah her guns are outrageous. Guns and gold.
oscarssowhite, good thing “Hidden Fences” came out this year. Nice job, silver fox presenter.
Robin always supports the 2d amend. Keep the safety on those guns, lady!
Look at her mad side eye
Parsi good call with the dead bat bow tie.
Sofia – killing the brow and bird game.
Michael S. *crushing* that velvet. Ow ow.
The Velvet Emperor is back!
I watched a vid of the top ten Oscar bait films of last year. Hacksaw Ridge was def on there–as was that one about that dude’s long halftime show walk–I forgot that even happened.
they should take Mel’s old oscars away
I’m seeing a lot of spray tan on that mermaid. The president does need his supply, y’all.
Hacksaw needs to lose everything there is to lose.
Human life, so much human life. Hollywood is human life.
“Hold on let me pull out the script…”
5 to 1
I’ll take a go-around.
As long as Hacksaw loses everything, I will be fine.
Odds on the shade that Emma will throw at Andy when she wins and he goes home with nothing, conscientiously?
Haus: good approach, poor landing.
Well, no chance Gosling would win for that singing.
Chrissy T. is way too cool. She should leave Johnny and be with me.
Tiegan with the boob attack
She’s being assaulted–PS how drunk is Legend right now?
Parsi: If she’s the Inca sun god, I shall be a Spanish landing party.
Would tonight make the EGOT? Too bad you already called the La La sweep. City of Stars (snoooooze) will win.
OTRC the Deuce
Lin Manuel Miranda is laying a scaffold of gladhandery for his EGOT
Got a glimpse of that Gosling jacket. Hey girl, I have that at home, too.
She is not the Inca sun god?
Will and should
Taraji is mugging hard on this carpet. Biel looks like the Inca sun god.
Double up, Parsi?
Parsi has confused the best actress predictions with the short story “the lottery.”
I am going to double up on Patel
Loved Hell or High Water.
Haus I agree great picture, but Moonlight is way out of the box.
Actress: Stone Stone. Everybody must get stoned.
Personally I would like Hell or High Water to win. That was an excellent picture.
The Red Carpet is dead. Long live the Red Carpet.
Actor Denz Denz
Is that JT’s kissin’ cousin from Tennessee?
These announcers are trying to make Octavia Spencer’s clearly silver dress into 2017’s answer to “what color is the dress.” Problem is, it’s clearly silver. QED
Pic: Will – La La / Should – Moonlight
Director: Will – Barry Jenkins / Should – Barry Jenkins
Actor: Will – Ben Affleck’s brother / Should – Denzel “My Man”
Actress: Will – Emma Stone / Should – Nat Nat
Supp Actor: Will and Should – Mahershela Ali
Supp Actress: Will and Should – Viola Davis
I say the same with Director
Will–Blah Blah Land
Should-The Conjuring 2
Dev Patel doing the goldfinger. Who wants to be a MILLINERRR
Look at all those nocial people in the background
LA LA LAND SWEEP
Will – La La Land should – Moonlight
Gimme your “will win” and “should win” for Pic, Director, and the four acting categories.
specialK I am on board! Get Out for Best Picture 2018!
Alright, can I get nerdy here for a sec? LET’S CEMENT SOME PREDICTS.
someone should tell JT the side of his hair has migrated to the front of his face.
You’re exposing a crucial problem CLGJr–I haven’t seen many nominated films since the Academy STILL refuses to acknowledge the magic of horror films.
She’s at one with those ostrich feathers.
specialK – nice.
…these are the Dunst of our lives…
Hey now. She was in Hidden Fences, SpecialK!
Paxton shout-out 1
Kirsten Dunst–who knew she was even still around. Well done, lady, well done.
Dunst dressed like an hour glass. The sands of time.
It’s like he asked himself what was the worst part of facial hair to keep on his face
OTRC Fashion says big bow-ties are not in, seems like they missed the memo.
Lul Haus and CLG Jr
Nice Billy Bob soul patch, Kevin!
T. Howard, wants comfort.
But not the hustle.
it keeps him warm and fashion forward.
Terence Howard knows what it’s like to be nervous. But he also knows what it’s like to wear a badass duvet cover.
Terrance took the FLOW out of his hotel curtains.
So, who is going to start hyping Get Out for the 2018 OSCARS?
If only you could send your drink digitally.
Do you think the OTRC crew is providing commentary for the blind?
PEOPLE ON THE RED CARPET! So CROWDED! PEOPLE!
Word of mouth also told us about Hidden Fences. Where dat?
She is wearing a very expensive necklace, or so it seems.
Henson just told the punchline to a joke we never heard.
Lots of talk about computers taking people’s jobs. My question: can a computer provide as inane commentary as Pennachio?
“When she spins around there was a yummy scoop.” “I like the slit.” I have nothing to add.
Haus is here. the party has started.
Online and in charge!
Legend is wearing a limp bat for a bow-tie.
Will the daiquiri “make the other people interesting?”
My first post!!
Super Jelly CLRJr
CLGJr here. Hemingway daiquiri in hand.
OTRC Fashion: Slits are in. Remember that.
Go civil liberties.
Lin Manuel Mirando repping ACLU.
Pennachio wants to know if people are looking for something deeper. I am pretty sure for him that would be the kiddie pool.
Pennachio can identify colors, I am surprised. Yellow it is.
Emma Roberts is hanging out solo, much like Parsi. I am going green as well. I am wearing a cat,
Ladies and germs, we will be online at 3:30pm PT. And as a grand surprise event, CLGJr, SpecialK, and Haus are all IN AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION IN SILICON VALLEY LIVE BLOGGING IN PERSON what what
Hells to the YEAH choiceaf
Oh, it’ll be CHOICE.