Here is an abridged list of things Dennis Quaid is good at: Playing aging sports heroes in films (baseball, football, you name it, he can handle it). Having the natural smile of The Joker while still appearing warm, endearing, and hell, even attractive. Taking instruction from Ellen DeGeneres while announcing his presence in a Starbucks, all while maintaining an amazing sense of humor (if you have no idea what I’m talking about, stop breathing this moment until you click this link). But perhaps it’s that very naturally friendly and self-effacing charm that makes Dennis Quaid a curiously terrible pick for a villain—and that’s the main reason you’ll end up cackling with laughter instead of cringing with fear at The Intruder.
The second big blockbuster horror film this summer to be set in the Bay Area, The Intruder presents us with Annie and Scott Russell, a young married couple taking a nosedive into true adulthood by buying that house in the suburbs—or in this case, in the very swank Napa Valley. At first, it’s the perfect choice: advertising executive Scott can manage an easy commute to downtown San Francisco while keeping his very kind and down-to-earth wife Annie pleased with her home in the “country.”
But there’s something weird about Quaid’s Charlie Peck—the guy who sold them the house. Maybe it’s the fact that he keeps showing up on their doorstep long after he sold the house. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that his wife died in that selfsame house. Maybe it’s that Joker-like smile he wears all the time. Whatever it is, something is off, but while Annie (portrayed delightfully by Meagan Good) trusts Charlie and even feels bad for him, Scott decides to do some digging—but can he unearth the truth before it’s too late?
This film falls short in nearly every way a horror film can be measured. The jumpy parts are 
not only expected and formulaic for any thriller, but executed with such little technical precision that you can’t help but laugh. The plot meanders more than the vines covering the side of the house featured in the film, and the actors’ choices are so inexplicable you simply stop asking “why” at some point to avoid losing your mind all together.
And finally, the one redeeming quality of The Intruder—its ultimate twist—can’t even save the film from its biggest fault: casting Dennis Quaid as the villain. I’m sorry to break it to you, Dennis, but no one is ever gonna be scared by you “looming” over anyone, no matter how much they blur you out and how far away they push you into the background of the shot.
SpecialK Verdict: Skip it. Put simply, The Intruder proves that while Quaid will always be our dear old Dennis—that underdog of an actor, that come-from-behind hero, that endearing manly man of a dude—he will simply never terrify. But God help ‘em, they tried.
The Intruder opens everywhere Friday, May 3.
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