An omnipotent deity falls into a thousand-year sleep, leaving humanity to fend for itself.
I know what you’re thinking–ah, so that’s why there haven’t been any Haus reviews!–but no, my flock. ‘Tis not my apologia. ‘Tis, rather, the soft undergirding of what passes for a backstory to X-Men: Apocalypse.
Quick recap: First Class (2011) was awesome, a fact attributable entirely to Matthew Vaughn‘s direction. Bryan Singer‘s 2014 Days of Future Past was a messy muddle, though plenty of people seemed to love it. Singer’s now back with Apocalypse, which is–to put it kindly–a trifle uneven.
Whereas some superhero films cling to reality by the tenderest of bowlines, the X-Men franchise cast off from those shores long before it ever got greenlit. As you probably know, the various characters wield arbitrary and wholly impossible powers, which absent careful story-rigging would lead to some very uneven title fights indeed. As usual, there’s really no sense belaboring the lack of realism in the X-Men films, but it’s perhaps worth noting that unlike some of its sibling installments, this one doesn’t even try a pseudoscience gloss. Mutants here are closer to gods, which is perhaps how they’re properly seen. (Once I decided this, in fact, I enjoyed the climactic battle a good deal more.)
Story wise? Well, as the trailer suggests, an ancient Egyptian mutant/god (Apocalypse, who according to the credits is played by an unrecognizable and deeply slumming Oscar Isaac) awakens from his poorly-explained sleep to seek–what else?–the destruction of the world. He identifies other mutants as henchmen and augments their powers. Some mutants join him, others try to stop him. He wrecks some things (largely of the Egyptian variety) though never manages effectively to convey his motivation for pretty much anything he does. (He’s also not frightening, coming off more like a lumbering eighties action figure with seaweed-colored pancake makeup.) Humans, perhaps mercifully, play virtually no role in this film–eschewing even their traditional duties of gawking helplessly as heroes and villains wreak havoc. A couple of cut scenes show Pentagon-types wringing their hands, but that’s about it. Mutants Only.
The good? An absolutely brilliant (and appropriately long) scene featuring Quicksilver racing through frozen time takes the Haus trophy for best Sweet Dreams montage ever put to film. Evan Peters (that’s right, Kick Ass‘s best friend) playing Quicksilver–that’s great too. Olivia Munn‘s monotone glare. Olivia Munn’s outfit (for comedic value, natch). Legitimately strong performances by the main leads.
The bad? The story leaves aforementioned main leads often with little or nothing to do. The villain is lame. It’s long. Is any of this tied to reality in any form at all? And this may be sacrilegious, but I really didn’t find much of the CGI to be that good. Your mileage may vary.
The big question is, should you see it? Eh, maybe. If you’ve already seen Captain America: Civil War (a far better version of Marvel hero overload that’s also out now) and Zootopia (a fabulous Pixar film, still playing as I write), and you still fancy a summer blockbuster type experience, this one isn’t all bad. I’ve seen worse. And for an X-Men film, around these parts, that puts it right around the middle of the pack.
Haus Verdict: Weak villain, much CGI, not much sense. The elements are there, but it doesn’t hum. But that Quicksilver scene is the flippin’ mustard.
X-Men: Apocalypse opens everywhere today, May 27.
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“Deeply slumming” Oscar Isaac.
OUCH.
CLGJr! And what do would we call it when the brooding master of Ex Machina shows up first in a plausible-deniability fan-boner X-Wing and then under an inch-thick slather of paste in X-Men? Slumming. That’s what we call it. Onward!
And upward!
Evan Peters is always enjoyable, but I did feel like his slow-mo scene was too damn long. It was cool to see again, but that was such a long scene. Or maybe it was just already too long/ too poorly-paced of a movie.
I liked the cast but I feel like they really didn’t have much to work with. And Apocalypse was wholly underwhelming, I honestly could’t tell it was Oscar Isaacs. Also! There were no stakes, which is something that’s plaguing all these end-of-the-world superhero films
You saw it again? I’d see it, probably, just for that scene, but I don’t know that I’d sit through the rest of it again. (It’s been a couple months and I haven’t yet.)